by J. Brown
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| Omari and his wife, Charity |
Episode 7 of the podcast featured a group of young, single professionals who shared their perspectives on modern dating for the 20- or 30-something. To look at things from the other end of the spectrum, I interviewed various friends of mine who have actually been able to maintain long-term relationships. Considering today's dating climate, they are the outliers, the chosen few who have managed to crack the proverbial code. To gain some knowledge on how they were able to make their relationships work, I asked them all the same set of questions and recorded their responses. Featured below are the responses of Aaron, 28; Wendy, 31; Omari, 27; Kim, 27; Brandon, 28; Trey, 24; Joele, 29; and Michael, 30. Pay attention and try to learn something.
1.) How did you and your significant other meet?
Kim: My boyfriend and I met through a mutual friend. We were both invited to a free event and met each other on the line. We did the basic introductions and we didn't pay much attention to each other. I thought he was attractive, but nothing more. Eventually the group began discussing the NBA and we debated quite heatedly about the league. We kind of started to click from there. We went inside, drank quite a bit, danced together a lot, and the rest is history.
Aaron: We briefly worked together and then found out that we both attended the same college, which was a nice ice breaker.
Michael: The first time I met my now wife was in 2005 at the University of Miami, Pearson Residential College; it was during either Hurricane Katrina or Rita, I don't recall specifically. The dorms on campus were locked down for student safety, and to cull the inevitable cabin fever, the residences threw "Hurricane Parties". Skipping over some embarrassing details, I made my way into the party for the second time that night, fresh off a defeat (I should've lied when asked if I was a football player; big black guy, I could've pulled it off). Then, I met my wife. I'd like to say it was love at first sight, but I'm neither naive or romantic enough to believe in such concepts; lust at first sight is probably more applicable. We danced, we kissed, we visited my dorm room, we did NOT have coitus, and thus we were acquainted.
Wendy: We went to middle school together.
Brandon: My significant other and I met on Tinder. Kind of crazy what a swipe right will do.
2.) How did you know you wanted to pursue a relationship with this person? What set them apart from other people you've dated?
Omari: There was never any pressure in the beginning. We pursued a friendship first and got to know each other. We were both newly single and had just gotten out of long-term relationships, so the idea of re-entering another one wasn’t on either of our agendas. When the time came to make the relationship decision, we had already fallen for each other. Our friendship was solidified and we were learning how to love each other. What set her apart was the fact that she truly understood my desires in life. She never swayed me one way or the other. She always listened and had the ability to spark action in the direction of progress. It’s something special to be able to motivate a man. It’s a calling, when you can help a man re-center himself and find the motivation that’s always been there. That calling brings about a whole different level of loyalty and appreciation. She became my best friend. My love for life and my love for her became the same thing.
Wendy: His sense of humor, style, and charm were unlike other people. No matter the time or distance between us over the years, we always remained in contact and found our way back together.
Michael: Up to that point I had been in two serious, long-term relationships; one of which I thought was the proverbial "one". After having gone through those experiences, I don't think I was mentally ready to pursue it again. Instead, I felt comfortable not thinking about the future of her and I, rather just going day by day. Eventually, though, I began to feel accustomed to her presence, to the point of almost taking it for granted. Then, after one incident, our relationship almost ended, and I quickly realized that her companionship meant more to me than anything else. The incident was a secret trip to Puerto Rico with an ex. While my wife and I weren't technically in an exclusive relationship at the time (at least we had never explicitly talked about it) and the trip was booked well in advance of our relationship getting serious, I couldn't help feeling a deep sense of guilt and regret for the entire vacation. The feelings that I thought I had for my ex couldn't satiate me in the same way that just being in my wife's presence could.
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| Kim and her boyfriend, Coy |
Trey: I was a 19-year-old frat boy, who thought 19-year-old frat boy things about her. I honestly wasn't thinking relationship at first. That probably helped in the long run, because it forced us into a sort of pseudo-friendship stage, rather than rushing to the romantic part. I think what set her apart from other people I'd been in relationships with was her willingness to work with me and forgive me when I messed up, big time. She never turned a blind eye, but she was crazy enough to forgive me for being kind of a scumbag. It made me want to be better.
3.) In your opinion, what is the toughest part of maintaining a relationship? Why?
Brandon: The toughest part of any relationship, in my experience, is building a strong foundation of communication, followed by an overwhelming amount of empathy, understanding and acceptance. People are naturally different. People communicate in a vast variety of styles. We also fall prey to our developed habits, so being able to manage, learn and adapt to my partner's way of communicating can be/is challenging. But I think what helps us is that both of us constantly work on it. Both of us are accepting of each other and understand where the other is coming from.
Trey: The toughest part of maintaining a relationship (or a marriage, more specifically) is constantly learning about your partner. People change. That's inevitable. You have to learn what makes them tick, and what ticks them off. You have to learn how they give love, and how they receive love.
Kim: The toughest part of maintaining a relationship in my opinion is just making sure you guys stay on the same page. You have to to talk about any and everything. Deal with conflict to get to a place of better understanding.
Aaron: Maintaining a healthy circle and keeping people out of your business is vital. This will help you know who you have in your corner when life actually happens.
Omari: The hardest part of maintaining a relationship is simply dealing with each person’s perceptions and goals in life. In the beginning, a relationship is fun and new and everything comes so easily. Eventually, life catches up to love and decisions have to be made. Understanding each person’s role in the relationship, whatever that may be, and accepting that with a level of humility and responsibility is the major challenge. This requires matured communication. There can’t be any secrets. Total transparency is a struggle and a challenge that will never go away. Relationships are an adventure without a map. You draw the map as you go and dictate the treasure you seek. There is no room for selfishness, but the world we live in cultivates just that. So each person must fight to maintain an air of selflessness.
4.) A lot of people our age seem to get in relationships/get married much later in life than previous generations. Why do you think that is? Additionally, what do you think has set you apart from this trend?
Joele: Our generation is extremely career-oriented. Marriage and family are on the list, but only after certain career milestones have been attained. I think that many lose sight of what truly makes them happy (experiences, love, etc) and are more interested in making money. I also think many have lost interest in getting married because they've dated so many people and created unhealthy emotional connections. I attribute my line of thinking to my walk with God. I'm not interested in accolades and dating people just to date.
Aaron: There aren't many heroes or examples to follow. How can they be optimistic when most of their relatives were never married in the first place? America's Dad was drugging women for decades. The home and Hollywood are letting us know that 2015 relationships are equivalent to likes on the Gram. Having a single mother and knowing what she has gone through has been a big influence on how I treat my lady and our relationship.
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| Trey with his wife, Jessica |
Kim: 1) More women are focused on getting established in their careers in their early 20s than in past generations. 2) The culture we live in today doesn't promote relationships and marriage as much. More people are comfortable than even before with "no strings attached" situationships. 3) With regards to marriage specifically I think more people want to be financially secure before they take that step.
Michael: a. Marriage, kids, settling down, etc. don't seem as important to the collective society as they once were, and due to their lack of importance, there is a profound lack of promotion of these concepts. To me, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Feminism has progressed women into roles beyond the prototypical knocked-up housewife, and that shift towards more balanced gender roles allows for less rushing to jump into marriage if not ready. b. Like many black males, I grew up with a single black mother; however, unlike many of my peers and relatives, I was astutely aware that this was not normal or desirable. I feel that my drive to find a partner and get married/settle down was a direct result of that. Being a playboy was something that I never aspired to (not that I could've anyway, with my profound lack of game). Perhaps that is what has set me apart from the rest of the "Sex in the City" generation, for lack of a better term. With no desire for promiscuity, I've entered every intimate relationship knowing that it could be my last. As for why I chose to marry early, I saw no benefit in waiting. In fact, I saw marriage as a way to strengthen the commitment that I had already felt.
Wendy: We live in a more global world. Travel and technology allow us to more easily venture further from home than older generations. Education is another factor; those who went away for college are connected to people and places that may have been far from home. Our generation's mindset is more exploratory in terms of careers, travel, and life experiences. This somewhat nomadic approach to life doesn't necessarily align with "settling down" at an early age. I got married in my 20s, and I have VERY few friends and acquaintances my age who are also married.
5.) What does the hashtag #BlackLove mean to you?
Wendy: Embracing those of the African diaspora as friends, family, and significant others.
Kim: The hashtag #BlackLove really doesn't mean much to me personally. I think it's great to see love amongst our brothers and sisters, but also think it's great to see love in any kind of relationship (white, Asian, lesbian, etc).
Omari: #BlackLove is what we have grown up watching our whole lives. It’s the love we were shown in our households, on television and through our interactions with others. Our love stories will fall into that category for the next generation. It’s not quitting at the first sign of conflict. It’s walking in a history that runs deep and embracing the generations before and what they fought for. My wife and I both take our culture very seriously. Her family is Creole and mine hails from the sea islands of South Carolina, so our histories are very rich. We plan to teach that to our children and embrace the storylines that have already been written, while writing our own chapters!
Aaron: Not much if it's not #RealLove.
6.) A common complaint that I've heard amongst dating singles is that they quickly lose interest in the people they date. How do you maintain attraction and interest in your significant other?
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| Aaron and his girlfriend, Christie |
Aaron: That's because a lot of us confuse chemistry for attraction. Two attractive people can date for years, even get married---but if there's no chemistry, another MORE attractive person will come along---they always do. The chemistry my girl and I have translates through different departments of our relationship.
Wendy: We do things together, and still maintain a sense of independence. It's easy to become bored when you are with someone 24/7. You should be able to bring different interests and experiences to one another. Different perspectives allow for more intriguing conversations and then springboard to shared experiences.
Omari: Good ole fashioned flesh! Choose someone that’s your TYPE!! Don’t go outside of your natural attractions to the opposite sex because that lie will catch up to you very quickly. If you like chinky eyes and long hair, then find a woman that has that. If you like long legs and arms, find a woman with that. If you don’t, then the next woman you see that has those features will catch your eye instead of your girlfriend! Going with natural attraction ensures you will enjoy looking at your significant other for a very long time. After you’ve chosen due to your natural desires, then you have to make sure that person stimulates you intellectually. Your eyes are intrigued by the cover, your mind is what actually gets lost in the book. The material within the pages is what’s most important. You want someone with similar likes and dislikes, but you also want someone that knows and enjoys things that you don’t necessarily know or enjoy. This forces you to try new things and gets you out of your comfort zone. The comfort zone is deadly and makes for a boring relationship. Those don’t last very long.
Kim: I frankly don't have a problem with losing interest or attraction in my boyfriend. I think too many people look at the physical when thinking of attraction. I'm attracted to his mind and his physical. We enjoy a lot of the same things, so we make a habit of doing those things together.
Trey: For starters, losing interests in the people you're dating is probably indicative of dating for the wrong reasons. But that's probably for another conversation. I maintain attraction and interest in my significant other by keeping the rear view in the rear view. I absolutely consider the past, but just as in a car, the rear view takes up a small portion of the windshield. You have to look forward and appreciate what's in front of you. Our relationship was changed drastically by having a gaggle of kids, but I had to learn to look forward to that as well. I look at my spouse and thank God for not only who she is, but who she's helped me become. Anybody who knows the old Trey knows how far I've come. And without Jesus and Jessica, I'd still be the old Trey. If she can take that guy and stand side by side with me and encourage me to be this guy, I can only imagine who she'll drive me to become down the line.
7.) Do you have any relationship role models? What have you learned from them?
Omari: My parents. They’ve been married 31 years and are still going strong. It wasn’t always peaches & cream, either. They went through their struggles and disagreements, but they also made it work. I’ve learned numerous lessons from them, but most important would be that the man is the head of the household and should be treated as such, but only if he submits to a higher cause. You can’t know how to lead without having followed. My wife and I are very spiritual people. We allow ourselves to submit to God’s will. Marriage isn’t just a license, it’s a promise. Vows are made before your family, your partner, and God. As a man, you must allow yourself to be led and your decisions must remain selfless. When you take yourself out of the equation, decisions become a lot easier.
Kim: My relationship role models would have to be my aunt and uncle. I've learned from them that things happen, hardships can try and tear you down, but as long as you keep your love in the center of it all you can get through it together. Don't give up on each other because of something trivial.
Brandon: I wish I could say my parents but nah… Jim and Pam from the Office...maybe. In 2015, I guess I can’t say the Huxtables. I don’t know. I don’t know. The TV raised me as far as relationships. Watching Cliff love Claire and tend to her was the dopest thing ever growing up.
Joele: Yes, plenty, my divorced parents included. I have gleaned several lessons from my married mentors, like the importance of speaking your wife/husband's love language, praying together, having healthy arguments, etc.
Wendy: I wish.
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| Michael with his wife Taryn and their two children |
- One television in the house. I loved that everyone had to come together and be in the same room. This also helped the couple stay engaged in each other's interests, and opened conversation about those interests.
- Sitting at the dinner table and eating together EVERY night; no eating in the kitchen, or in a bedroom, or on the couch. When my wife and I first moved in together, our first purchase (after a bed) was a small 2 person dining room set. We ate dinner together at the table every night, no matter if it was homemade food, or take out.
8.) If you could give one piece of advice to someone looking to get into a relationship, what would it be?
Joele: Don't date just to date. It's healthy and okay to be alone for a season in your life. Use your singleness to maximize your contribution to God and become the spouse you hope to attract one day. Also, spend time being friends with your intended before pursuing a relationship.
Trey: If I had to give any advice? Volunteer for something. Join a church. Serve at a soup kitchen. Learn to serve. Any successful relationship is built on serving each other. The best partner in any relationship will have a heart set on giving all that they can without expecting anything in return. You should aim to be the kind of person you're looking for in a relationship.
Michael: I'd say find someone with the same relationship goals as you and not just superficial ones. Superficial wants and desires are subject to change, but a well thought-out goal is more lasting. My wife and I wanted the same things from each other from the start: marriage, children, a home, etc. So while our relationship grew and changed, we never lost sight of those core desires. Because of that, it has always felt like we were on the same team, building towards something great.
Wendy: Stop trying so hard. Be your authentic self and you're more likely to attract people with a legitimate connection.
Omari: Be patient. Love can’t be forced. Love doesn’t ask you to compromise on what you want in life. You can have your dreams and not have to be alone to enjoy them. When you choose love, commit to it. Don’t half-ass it. You get out what you put in. If you’re going to do dirt, then do it by yourself. There are enough scorned women out there. We don’t need any more. It’s time black men wrote a new story and embraced their purpose in the lives of black women.
Aaron: Know each other's values and don't hold on to what happened in past relationships. You should know what you're working with before considering a relationship, anyways. If not, book reservations for two after you read this and find out.
Brandon: It’s okay to be vulnerable because once you are, that is when all the fun begins.
Kim: Keep your eyes, mind and your heart open.
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