Thursday, August 27, 2015

The Unwritten Rules of the Men's Restroom (Written Down)

by J. Brown



Life is all about rules. When you were growing up, there were rules at school. Then when you got home, your parents had their own rules, too. You dreamed of the day when you would be an adult and rid yourself of these pesky limitations. But alas, you grew up and realized that adulthood has even more rules than childhood. Rules like "Pay your bills", "Stop at red lights" and "Don't punch other humans in the face" are really what define our lives. Without rules, everything is mayhem. Unbeknownst to some, even the most menial tasks in our lives require rules. Going to the bathroom is one such task. I don't know the rules to the ladies' room, because I don't go in there. However, the following rules are those that should be applied in the men's bathroom. Take heed, or be judged accordingly.



1. The Buffer Urinal Rule

The urinal was designed to appease the lazy desires of men everywhere. It allows men to use the toilet without having to unbuckle or unbutton a thing. You just unzip, flip, whizz, and dip. The only issue with urinals is that they don't exactly allow for the same type of privacy that you would get in a stall. What you end up with is a room full of men pulling their manhood out of their pants and peeing at a wall. This can be awkward. To quell the discomfort, the Buffer Urinal Rule states that when another man has occupied a urinal, the urinal that you use must be at least two spaces away from him, creating a one-urinal buffer zone. If we're going to be standing in the same room holding our privates, we don't need to be standing right next to each other. Some smaller bathrooms only have two urinals; the second one is simply a decoration. If one is occupied, you go and pee in the stall. Another caveat to this rule is that when you're in a larger bathroom with 10 or more urinals, you should always choose the ones furthest away from the entrance. Don't force everyone who enters to walk right past you. Caring is not sharing.



2. The Silence Rule

When I'm in the bathroom, I'm in there for very specific reasons. Conversation is not one of them. The actions performed in this room require a certain level of privacy, and small talk really ruins the mood. There is nothing worse than the guy who wants to know how your weekend was while you're trying to maintain a steady stream. Let me concentrate on the task at hand (in hand?) and you do the same. I can't speak for all men, but packed bathrooms tend to give me stage fright. It's like walking up to the mic to sing the lead solo, seeing a crowd full of unfamiliar faces and forgetting all of the lyrics. I clam up. When I step into the proverbial batter's box, I need to focus, lest I strike out. This rule is doubly important when you're on the throne. Focus is necessary. Conversations of any sort - even those involving others - can really throw you off your game. The Silence Rule doesn't only refer to talking, but also to noises of any sort. I don't know what kind of wars are being won (or lost) by some of you men out there, but the noises that some you make in the bathroom are really the epitome of savagery. Please stop this. Everyone is disgusted. The best bathroom is a silent bathroom.



3. The Phone Rule

This rule could actually be 2b, and for most people, this goes without saying. But every once in a while, some schmuck walks into the men's room and decides it's time to use up all of his anytime minutes. Sprint lied to you; those minutes are valid anytime except when you are dropping one off. If noises are distracting, you can imagine how disturbing it is to hear some guy have a 15-minute conversation with his lawyer through the walls of a bathroom stall. Pleading nolo contendere sounds like a great idea, but I and the other bathroom patrons honestly could not care any less. There are a couple of disturbing realizations about guys who talks on the phone in the bathroom. First is the fact that he's seemingly oblivious to all forms of social decorum. Does he notice that everyone else is disturbed? Secondly, he's completely unfazed knowing that every single person who walks in and out of that bathroom can hear his entire conversation. Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, he's eliminating his own stall privacy. This is self-sabotage to the highest degree. There's a certain guilt attached to taking a no. 2. Everyone does it, but you still don't want anyone to know you did it. As far as I'm concerned, everyone who sees me walk out of the bathroom only knows I went no. 1. There's no proof to convict. By talking on the phone, you're giving yourself up. I hate these people.



4. The Other Phone Rule

Life is all about rules, but it's also about preparation. When you know you might be in the restroom for a while, you should always bring your phone with you. In 2015, there's nothing worse than being stuck in a room for over 5 minutes with no technology. It's actually kind of unacceptable. This is what your teachers were talking about when they told you that you needed to develop your multi-tasking capacity. They were really just trying to prepare you to be able to tweet and poop at the same time. These are life skills. With your phone in your hand, the options are limitless. If you're feeling particularly unconventional, you could even go so far as to watch YouTube videos while sitting on the bowl (but this would be breaking rule number 2, so it's not recommended). This one is really more of a best practice and not so much a hard-and-fast rule, but it's certainly in your best interest. It's the 21st Century, so act like it.



5. The Liner Rule

As mentioned previously, there are some real savages out there. If there are men willing to hold phone conversations in the bathroom, there's really no telling what else they're willing to do. In this wild and crazy world, you can't take any chances. The Liner Rule says that before handling your business, you always need to line the seat with some toilet paper before sitting down. Who knows what kind of animal was in that stall before you. Are you really comfortable sharing bare-assed seats with a deviant? I didn't think so. If you're in a pinch and you end up having to go in a particularly dicey bathroom, you can even double-line it. You can never be too safe. When I think about the fact that women have to do this every single time they use a public bathroom, it confirms my belief that women's lives are unbearable. I sometimes picture myself in their shoes and don't know how they do it. If the other female-specific hygienic issues didn't drive me crazy, lining the toilet every time I went to the restroom would likely put me over the edge. 



6. The Door Handle Rule

When WebMD is not busy convincing every sick American that they have either AIDS or cancer, they sometimes take the time to tell sickening anecdotes. One such tale is that of Dr. Lennox Archibald, who led a team of researchers on a tour of 22 different public bathrooms found in locations such as malls, hospitals, and airplanes. The team took culture samples from "high touch" areas, including doorknobs and door handles. Amongst the various disgusting bacteria that they found were E. coli, staph, and Enterococcus, which is the bacterium that causes urinary tract infections. Thanks, WebMD. It only takes reading one report like this to realize that door handles are the most petrifying objects threatening the survival of the human race today. Unless you're in the market for a new staph infection, it's pretty imperative that you never touch another door handle ever in life. This last rule demands that after you wash your hands, you use the same paper towel to open the door. Don't you dare touch that filthy thing. If there's no trash can near the exit, just walk out with the dirty paper towel and throw it out somewhere else. Your urinary tract will thank you for it.

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