The Unwritten Rules of the Men's Restroom (Written Down)

by J. Brown

Life is all about rules. When you were growing up, there were rules at school. Then when you got home, your parents had their own rules, too. You dreamed of the day when you would be an adult and rid yourself of these pesky limitations. But alas, you grew up and realized that adulthood has even more rules than childhood. Rules like "Pay your bills", "Stop at red lights" and "Don't punch other humans in the face" are really what define our lives. Without rules, everything is mayhem. Unbeknownst to some, even the most menial tasks in our lives require rules. Going to the bathroom is one such task. I don't know the rules to the ladies' room, because I don't go in there. However, the following rules are those that should be applied in the men's bathroom. Take heed, or be judged accordingly.

1. The Buffer Urinal Rule

The urinal was designed to appease the lazy desires of men everywhere. It allows men to use the toilet without having to unbuckle or unbutton a thing. You just unzip, flip, whizz, and dip. The only issue with urinals is that they don't exactly allow for the same type of privacy that you would get in a stall. What you end up with is a room full of men pulling their manhood out of their pants and peeing at a wall. This can be awkward. To quell the discomfort, the Buffer Urinal Rule states that when another man has occupied a urinal, the urinal that you use must be at least two spaces away from him, creating a one-urinal buffer zone. If we're going to be standing in the same room holding our privates, we don't need to be standing right next to each other. Some smaller bathrooms only have two urinals; the second one is simply a decoration. If one is occupied, you go and pee in the stall. Another caveat to this rule is that when you're in a larger bathroom with 10 or more urinals, you should always choose the ones furthest away from the entrance. Don't force everyone who enters to walk right past you. Caring is not sharing.

How I Became Boring

by J. Brown

They say that a man that doesn't change is a man that doesn't mature. If this is true, then one could argue that change is a natural process of growing up. If we're to be honest, everyone reading this is probably much different than they were 10 years ago, and probably even different in some ways than they were five years ago. Change is normal. Change is good. Change should be embraced. I understand this idea, but still, I've come to a conclusion about my most recent behaviors that I've had a bit of a hard time embracing. 

I'm not as much fun as I used to be.

Now, this doesn't mean my life is boring... at least, not to me. But I have noticed that I've become more anti-social over the past year or so. A few years ago, my definition of a great night would probably include bar-hopping, loud music, shots and 3 a.m. pizza. Nowadays, I look forward to just sitting on my couch and watching shows on my Roku box for 4 or 5 hours. Honestly, I think that sounds awesome. 

That doesn't mean I never go out anymore, because I still do. But my excursions are much less consistent now, and every time I'm about to make plans, there's a little voice in my head that questions me. "Do you really want to be around people? Is the activity you're about to commit to going to be worth the money you'll have to spend? Are you really going to enjoy yourself, or are you just going to spend the whole time wishing you were at home watching Curb Your Enthusiasm reruns?" These are the questions, literally every single time.

Nightman: The Podcast - Episode 8

"Power Hour"

Cast: J. Brown, Andrene, B. Cole

For this episode, we decided to do a power hour while recording the podcast, and the results were magical. While pounding beers and ciders, we discuss the story arcs and character developments in "Orange is the New Black", breaking girl code, the GOP Presidential debate, and the problematic viewpoints of one Ben Carson. 

We also talk about smegma. Yes, smegma.

Work vs. Real Life: Which You are You?

by J. Brown

Earlier this week, a coworker said something to me that's bothered me all week long. We were debating whether or not I owed it to her to be more talkative at work, despite the fact that our actual work requires very little interaction with one another. In defending her argument that we should interact more consistently, she said, "I spend more time with you than I do with my own family."

Wow.

The sad part about it is, she's absolutely right. During my four-year stint as a teacher, I would often point out that my students spent more time with me than they did with their actual parents. What I failed to realize was that I was simultaneously spending more time with them than I was with any of my family or friends. In fact, most of us probably spend more time at work or doing work than we spend doing anything else. Something seems wrong about that equation, but I'm not sure any of us really know how to fix it. 

I've always tried to maintain a separation between my work self and my real self. As a teacher, I was able to delineate a clear separation between "Joel" from "Mr. Brown". (Trust and believe, these were two decidedly different people.) Even now, working an office job, I like to think that I save some parts of my true personality for outside of work. My belief has always been that the workplace is for work, and I can enjoy my actual life after I clock out. More and more, though, I'm wondering how feasible that actually is.

Relationships 101: A How-To Guide for the Young Professional

by J. Brown

Omari and his wife, Charity

Episode 7 of the podcast featured a group of young, single professionals who shared their perspectives on modern dating for the 20- or 30-something. To look at things from the other end of the spectrum, I interviewed various friends of mine who have actually been able to maintain long-term relationships. Considering today's dating climate, they are the outliers, the chosen few who have managed to crack the proverbial code. To gain some knowledge on how they were able to make their relationships work, I asked them all the same set of questions and recorded their responses. Featured below are the responses of Aaron, 28; Wendy, 31; Omari, 27; Kim, 27; Brandon, 28; Trey, 24; Joele, 29; and Michael, 30. Pay attention and try to learn something.

1.) How did you and your significant other meet? 

Kim: My boyfriend and I met through a mutual friend. We were both invited to a free event and met each other on the line. We did the basic introductions and we didn't pay much attention to each other. I thought he was attractive, but nothing more. Eventually the group began discussing the NBA and we debated quite heatedly about the league. We kind of started to click from there. We went inside, drank quite a bit, danced together a lot, and the rest is history. 

Aaron: We briefly worked together and then found out that we both attended the same college, which was a nice ice breaker.  

Michael: The first time I met my now wife was in 2005 at the University of Miami, Pearson Residential College; it was during either Hurricane Katrina or Rita, I don't recall specifically. The dorms on campus were locked down for student safety, and to cull the inevitable cabin fever, the residences threw "Hurricane Parties". Skipping over some embarrassing details, I made my way into the party for the second time that night, fresh off a defeat (I should've lied when asked if I was a football player; big black guy, I could've pulled it off). Then, I met my wife. I'd like to say it was love at first sight, but I'm neither naive or romantic enough to believe in such concepts; lust at first sight is probably more applicable. We danced, we kissed, we visited my dorm room, we did NOT have coitus, and thus we were acquainted. 

Wendy: We went to middle school together.

Brandon: My significant other and I met on Tinder. Kind of crazy what a swipe right will do. 

Nightman: The Podcast - Episode 7

"Modern Dating 101"

Cast: J.Brown, Rae Ruckus, Andrene & Princess

For this episode, I'm joined by a panel of young, single professionals to explore the nuances of modern dating. They share where potential partners can be found, explain what makes dating difficult, and describe their own methods for navigating the singles scene.

Our Obsession with Opinion

by J. Brown

We're obsessed with ourselves.

That's what previous generations thinks of us, and for the most part, they're probably right. My generation (Generation Y/ the Millenials/ whatever CNN uses to refer to us) is pretty vain. We created the selfie, the status update, and the Foursquare check-in. We've not only mastered the overshare, we've made it popular.

Most would look at this as simply a sign of the times, but I know better. I get that the generations before us might not have had Internet, but they weren't taking pictures of themselves with their Polaroids, either. They might not have had cell phones, but they didn't feel the need to outline their weekend and bore you with tedious details the following Monday. People have always had opinions, but they didn't always feel the need to share them. But those were simpler times. As technology became more complex, so too did our vanity. 

My generation's self-centeredness is perhaps best characterized by our infatuation with opinions. Over the past few years, it seems like the line between fact and opinion has become blurrier than it's ever been. You can't just be against gay marriage; it should be outlawed. You can't simply disagree with conservatives; they're bigots and should all be banned from Congress. You can't just be upset that Kendrick Lamar lost a Grammy to Macklemore; the entire Grammy academy must be racist. We as a generation have become quite fond of not only portraying our opinions as the right way of thinking, but actually getting upset with people for disagreeing with us.